Well, last night I was just lying in bed, watching old episodes of scrubs and swiping through tinder. You know, a standard Sunday night!
I matched with a few people, and got chatting to one of them. He had actually super liked me which is always kind of sweet in a slightly weird way. Not my usual type, but you know, you got to branch out sometimes!
We ended up exchanging numbers and chatting for a few hours, we had originally agreed to go out for drinks on Tuesday night, but ended up changing for a coffee this morning.
We met up and all seemed to be good. I was running a bit late, as usual! But got there, found him and sat down for a chat. The first thing he did was compliment my outfit which I thought was very sweet of him. We sat chatting, and although he seemed like a nice guy, there was just no connection there. There is nothing to really explain it, I guess you just get a feeling about people when you meet them and I just knew that I wasn’t feeling it. So, after about 40 minutes of chatting he suggests we go back to my flat. We had met at a coffee shop on my street out of easiness for me and I had jokingly said if drinks go well he could come back. But at no point had I ever made that a solid plan, and that was said about after drinks on Tuesday night, not coffee on a Monday morning.
Anyways, he asked if we could go to mine and I obviously had to answer that honestly. I told him that I wasn’t really feeling it and he got really pissy with me. Calling me a tease, trying to convince me to sleep with him and then asking for reasons for me saying no. There was nothing he did wrong, I just did’t feel anything so didn’t want to bring him back to my house to have sex. Plain and simple I would say. So, after some awkward back and forward he said he that he had a feeling that he would catch something from me so glad it wasn’t happening. I actually laughed out loud at him. I had said that I had sex three weeks ago, so apparently that makes me full of STI’s! (To clarify, I have safe protected sex, get regular tests and have never had a STI in my life!).
I tried to explain to him calmly that he did nothing wrong, I just didn’t want to sleep with him. He continued trying to convince me otherwise so I just put my coat on and suggested we just leave. At the door it was pretty darn awkward so I just said that I was going to head to the supermarket so bye. He stopped me by say “Just for future reference, don’t catfish people.” Now, obviously I asked what he meant by this. His response – “You are a lot bigger in real life than your photos makes you look!” Honestly, I was so in shock.
I rejected him so he called me fat.
All I could do in the moment was laugh and walk away. I mean, how else do you respond to something like that? In hindsight, I wish I said something or even just slapped him!
But the reason I am sharing this is because this behaviour is not okay. There is nothing wrong with saying no to having sex with someone. What is wrong is his response to that rejection. To turn round and start with verbal abuse because someone turned you down is not the way to act.
There is such a culture of getting things instantly. From ordering food on an app to getting anything you want delivered to your door within 24 hours, we seem to have a need for instant results, and the same goes with sex and dating now. Dating is all done online now, so we expect instant results. Swiping away, matching and meeting within hours. It is common knowledge that tinder is used for casual hookups as well as dating, hey even I’ve used it for both purposes! But there comes a point where attitudes need to shift. We need to stop looking for instant pleasure at any cost, and be able to handle not getting it. This is not the first guy to lash out after being rejected, and he certainly won’t be the last. My day is being totally ruined by this one persons actions. At first I laughed in shock, then I got mad, then I doubted myself and then went back to laughing. Even for just 20 minutes, that comment got in my head and made me feel worthless and hideous. Words can be so poisonous, and impact a persons whole being.
Women are not objects for male sexual gratification, women are real people with very real feelings. We are constantly told how to look, how to dress, how to act. It has to stop now. When will we be able to go out and not be harassed on the street? At what point does the abuse after rejection stop?
So please, share this far and wide and don’t be afraid to share your own stories down below. The more we talk out, the more chance we have of changing things.