This is the week I finally move from Edinburgh to Glasgow. It has been in the planning for quite a while now, but there was no knowing how tough it really was going to be.
Moving itself is a tough job. I have lists upon lists of things to get done before the move even happens. Changing my address a thousand times, painting, cleaning and packing. And thats only the start of it. Moving takes up so much of you mentally and physically. There is so much to remember and so much to get done in such a short time period. I even had to paint my flat back to magnolia before leaving which has been another added stress to the list!
What I never considered was the emotions involved. This little flat has been my home for the past 4 years. It really had become my safe place. I did most of my growing up while living here. It is where I learnt to live alone and how to really enjoy my own company. It became a sanctuary during some of the toughest days I have ever had, but also was a place of so much joy and happiness.
Not only that, but Edinburgh has been my life for the past 6 years. I have never felt so at home anywhere until I moved here. Edinburgh is me in a city. I found love and heartache in this city and I couldn’t want anything more.
This week all that is changing.
I have been packing up my life here ready to go across the country to Glasgow. I am excited to have new experiences and be closer to my family of course, but I am also terrified! I am so used to my life in Edinburgh that I don’t know how I am going to cope moving away.
As the days go by, my little flat becomes more and more chaotic. Bags and boxes are getting filled up, things are getting thrown out and my personality is being cover up by cream paint. It has affected me more than I ever thought possible.
My dressing table has been dismantled, my bed has been moved and my kitchen cupboards are empty. My routine has been well and truly chucked out of the window the past week and with that goes my mental health.
Routine and a tidy space keeps my mind sane. I can be myself when I do the same thing when I wake up in the morning and go to bed at night. I am calm when I know where everything is and have a clear plan. Right now, all of that is gone. My make up is now all in a bag and nothing is where it has belonged for the past 4 years.
It may seem like something so small and short term, but it has a huge impact. I have been living like this for 1 week and it is already just so overwhelming. My safe space is just a riot.
It got to the point where I just had to hide under my duvet and sleep all afternoon.
But, today I got myself up (slower than planned!) and went out. I just had to drag myself out the house and get away from the chaos and focus on work.
The difference a fresh perspective gives you is crazy. I sat in my favourite coffee shop and just got work done. Not as much as I needed to get done, but it was a start.
I was feeling so lost and like I wasn’t me, but I made myself go out and try and find something to enjoy.
Mental health is so complex and confusing and is totally different for everyone. I let myself slip down and down until I am at the point of just wanting to sleep all the time. That is when I know I have to pull myself back up no matter what. If I don’t pull myself out of it when I get to that place it will just keep getting worse.
I am not 100% better, but I am better than I was yesterday, and that is all that really counts.
Good days and bad days happen for everyone, the important bit is recognising when it all becomes a bit too much and finding a way out, even if it is just going for a coffee.
So, that is how I have been feeling. This is another way of me pulling myself back up again. My blog gives me a place to talk about whats going on in my head and hopefully help someone else along the way.
Talking is an insanely powerful thing and if anyone ever needs to talk, I am always here.