Oh hello there! Welcome back to the dating diaries!
So, it seems I didn’t give up after the ghosting, and you may have guessed from the title, I have made it passed a 3rd date with someone! YAY! right?
It is pretty awesome that I have actually managed to find someone in amongst the dating apps to go on more than 1 date with, who knew that could still happen?
Back in September I matched with someone a bit older than me and we hit it off! We chatted a bit and planned our first date, which was a cute wee lunch date on a Monday!
It was a good date, we got on well, even though our politics are very different! He is 8 years older than I am, which I think is the perfect gap in terms of maturity. The age gap didn’t feel like much at first, it wasn’t until we got to the inevitable chat about how long we had been single for.
I was honest and said it had been a few years since I had anything substantial. Just been casually dating while figuring out what I wanted. I asked him the same question. Turns out he had been married and then divorced and had a child. It took a lot to not choke on my lunch!! Not something I was expecting to hear, and something that slightly terrified me!
To be totally honest, it put me off him. That was a lot to take, well, for me anyways.
I am the queen of finding flaws. Finding excuses to end something with a guy before it goes anywhere.
That was the perfect excuse to get out of it. But I did like him.
I spent the following days going back and forward trying to decide what to do. It seemed that he liked me too and I didn’t know how to say I didn’t want to see him again, even though I actually did.
We continued chatting and he invited me to a talk he was going to in Edinburgh. I didn’t have any plans that night so I decided to go. I ended up getting pretty drunk, but I had the best time with him. I wanted him to come back to mine, but he went home. Thinking about it, that was him being a gentleman. He could’ve come over and taken advantage of my drunken state, but he didn’t. Not something I am used to these days.
I guess this is when the panic started to set in. We had been on 2 dates and were planning the 3rd. It has really been a long time since this has happened and I have pretty much forgotten how to handle it all.
Commitment isn’t something that I associate with myself. I know how to use dating apps to meet up with guys, sleep with them and then move on. I know how to navigate casual “relationships” and booty calls. I have been in a cycle of just physical attraction rather than anything remotely substantial.
As much as it is fun at times, it gets boring. The constant swiping, going out for drinks and trying to get to know someone enough to say there is something there and make it seem fine that they can come over. Then there is the awkwardness of getting to whoever’s flat, the weird small talk before just closing your eyes and getting on with it. Then the whole what happens after, how long do you stay? do you talk, cuddle, have a drink?
There is no substance to any of it. There is no real connections or any sort of happiness. For years I had convinced myself that it was the way to be. Don’t get tied down to anyone, just enjoy the single life.
Trying to remind myself of all this, I went on the 3rd date. We went out for a late lunch and again, I really enjoyed it. We get on really well, and I enjoy the time I have with him. I actually get wee butterflies before I see him. He held my hand across the table, actually looked at me and listened to what I was saying. He ACTUALLY LIKES ME!!!
So now I have the actual fear! My commitment-phobe self wants to run a million miles away but I am trying my hardest to fight myself and see where it goes.
We have actually now had a 4th date and it was amazing! As much as we are very different people, we get on so well.
So now I have the battle with myself to get over that fear. I need to stop finding all the flaws that make me push people away and embrace the happy moments. The butterflies, the hand holding and the laughter. I need to start to get to know someone on a human level and not just for the purpose of sex.
But I know that is not going to be easy. This might not be the guy that lasts for ages, but it is a start. It is me trying to get away from the casual sex, the dating apps and actually getting to know someone.